I love it when people are affectionate with me. I like when they always invite me places, or text me, or call call me, I wouldn’t even mind if they blew up my fb wall with hearts and what not. I would rather have that person than someone who makes me text them first all the time and replies back like 10 fucking minutes later.
This day didn’t feel right. It had that ugly feeling that today is just.. today. Nothing else. Can’t help but reflect.. I went to this site cause I was feeling down and there I realized.. I have been faking everything. I can’t seem to express other emotions other than being happy.. & pretending to be happy. Today I feel tired of being happy. Being jolly. Being sunny. I grew tired of being happy like that. Lately I also realized..somehow I’m being taken for granted..unconsciously. Maybe because they think that I’m that type of person that is veryy…alive. But deep inside I’m dying.
I wish I could get myself to express more of what I’m feeling..so that people could get to know me more..and understand me more. I want to say what I want to say without being judged. I want to be free…
Ang sakit ng mata ko ngayon. Nagka-rashes nanaman cheeks ko.. Laging gnun pag umiiyak ako.
Past few days, parang laging may something na hindi nag tturn out ng okay for me. Lagi ko naiisip mag lalabas ako ng sama ng loob or sakit or rant dito sa tumblr, pero the pain quickly stores itself within me para d ko na sya maramdaman. Pero since kahapon, nag ooverflow na yung storage. Kanina naramdaman ko talaga, that there’s this hole in me. It was empty. It was dark. It was painful. Kakastart pa lang ng araw ko, may nangyari kagad. How lucky can I get. I could never please people. Alam ko masama ako. I try not to be, pero somehow, I always turn out to be the bad one, kasi I am. Kahit ayoko. I didn’t want to see my friends kanina. Kasi I was afraid I might do something or say something. Nung ihahatid na ko ni mama to gateway, I just wanted to go back home, lock myself in my room and cry all day. Pero okay lang. That’s what I did when I got home. Di ko na kaya. Alam mo yung, gustong gusto mo iiyak lahat pero wala ng luha. Kasi pagod na rin siguro ako.. or matagal na siyang ubos. Pero atleast, for a brief moment, nakaiyak ako. Nailabas ko. Kasi di ko kaya sabihin. Di ko kaya iexpress sarili ko kasi alam ko lalala lang mga bagay. For the record, hindi lang naman siya sa friends. Pati sa family din. Love? Not so much. wala ako nun. I’m tired of feeling. Of worrying. Of thinking what I should and shouldn’t do. I’m tired of wishing na sana, I’d be someone they’ll remember. Someone they’ll thank. Someone worth their time. I know I shouldn’t expect. Kasi masasayang lang. I want to throw away everything. Burn everything. Kanina nga I was already imagining myself throwing things in my room. Para malabas ung nsa loob ko. Because I can’t be vocal about it.
Been making a lot of mistakes. I hate myself. I hate how greedy I am. How selfish I can be. I hate how I treat people. I don’t deserve their recognition. I’m an idiot. I hate myself for being me.
"Onting teamwork naman puta. Hinahayaan gumawa yung isa tapos ikaw gagawa ng iba. Humihingi ng onting tulong, wala. Nilalaktawan lang. puta. sige kayo mag edit lahat. punyeta. may specific work na inako, biglang namili ng iba n mas convenient. puta."
I wanted to put this as my stat in FB but I was concerned that people might react to it. Well fck. I hate fcking freeloaders. puta.
I WILL NEVER EAT CHOCOLATES. kidding. But, I won’t eat too much chocolates. As in ung 2 pcs a week. Nakakasakit. <//3
Last Thursday, ate some Ferrero, then at the evening, watched Jessica Sanchez Live in Araneta. Drank a large iced tea. Then boom! The next day, couldn’t go to school because my throat hurts! But I went to my 2nd class though at 4pm. I started having colds. Saturday, I had a soar throat, cough and colds. Sunday, I had cough and colds. Today, my cough got worse. And yes, still have colds. sniff :”<
Today started okay. I have been quiet, calm and “gentle”. And when dismissal from school came, I said something idiotic to friend1 during our commute home. I said a joke about how friend2 of ours (who was also in the train) doesn’t care if all the other dogs they own die instead of a certain dog who just died a few days ago(probably because this dog was closest to her..but anyway..) then I jokingly said that the dog of friend1 should be the one instead. Then friend1 looked at me and kept repeating “that was a bad joke. Really bad joke” Then I suddenly came back to my senses and realized how awful I was to her. Im such an idiot! This is the 2nd time ive crossed the line. I hate myself for it. My birthday is next week I don’t feel like celebrating. I don’t want to celebrate cause I’m such a bad person. I don’t deserve it.
I don’t want to talk anymore. I’m so tactless. And rash and impulsive. I have nothing but flaws.
Today I feel so pissed at everything. If not pissed, uninterested or indifferent. -_-
1. Lately I’ve been getting the feeling that my closest friends don’t want to talk to me. Particularly this person whom I thought I could be open with. I thought the ice has melted but lately it doesn’t feel that way. It doesn’t feel im close with that person. I may be at fault in some things.. maybe that’s why they don’t feel like talking to me anymore. Pero sa ibang tao, normal siya. Sakin lang talaga siya ganun. :( Ayoko na lang ipagsiksikan sarili ko. :(
2. So, I’ve been playing LOL for quite a while and some of my kabarkadas have started playing too. For some reason, I feel they don’t want to play with me. Why? I dunno. Siguro baka dahil mas mataas na level ko or iba ung mindset ko sa laro kaya ayaw nila ko kalaro kasi baka natatakot silang may magawa silang di ko gusto or something? I feel so left out. Sige kayo na maglaro. Di ko na rin ipagpipilitan sarili ko sa inyo. Sorry kung ganto akong tao. Good luck na lang sa laro ko.
3. So, I told this certain person that I’ve been in a bad mood the whole day and instead of telling me to cool off, that person wants me to get angry at him. I asked that person “WHY?” And that person said, so that I could loosen up. HUH? A very weird reason. Adding another thing to be mad about will eventually help release this? My gawd. I’m not even mad in the first place! I just feel so down and pissed offffffff or ewan.
The title is totally irrelevant to this post. Wala kasi ako maisip na title kaya yan na lang. At malabo kasi akong tao. Napikon nanaman ako for some reason. Wala lang. Di ko gets bakit nakaka pikon ung tinutulungan mo na nga ung tao, tapos sasabihin sayo “wag na” bwisit. OKAYYYY edi hindi. Ewan ko. Nawalan na ko ng gana. Kairita. Oo sorry na, di na kita natulungan dun sa isang bagay, sinusubukan ko kasing tulungan ung iba. leche.
So, looking for a place to accomplish my OJT is quite difficult. You have so many competitorssssssssssss. And it’s a 100% possibility that a lot of them are better than you. But that’s fine! What’s important is, somehow, I get to be accepted at some awesome or good (if not great) company for maximum learning potential. Lols. But anyway, I think the worst is over. Because the hardest thing to do when you have to do something, is the courage to even start it.
Let’s start a week ago. A week ago, I was sulking. I was feeling down. Reallyyy down that I didn’t have the guts to do anything OJT related. In my case, I haven’t started on anything! Not even my resume! And second to that, I didn’t even know what I want. What I’m good at. I kept on asking myself, what should I even apply for? Am i good enough? I’m scared to try. I might get rejected. Yep. That probably sums up my problem. i’m scared. Scared. It’s one thing that hinders me from what I must do. I’m scared of rejection. So I told my guy best friend regarding my shallow issue and how I’m terribly lost and lonely because of this OJT. Well, he told me a lot of things I was good at. I didn’t believe him much at first, well because, that’s usually the thing. You don’t see the good things about yourself with your own eyes. But other people do. Course, that cheered me up a bit, and I started to pick myself up from my dark hole and kept on chanting what my cousin’s best friend told me (who was also in the art industry stuff), wait, I actually asked what he did to reach where he is now, he said this “Lakas lang ng loob.” I didn’t quite get that. But I think I get it now. When you have the courage, to make a headstart; to take that first step, that’s the hardest thing you can ever do, because not everyone has the strength to do it. They just wait till their regrets haunt them.
By now, I have sent 7-8 emails/applications. 2 have replied (only the auto mail though. Saying they’ve seen my application and is still being processed or whatever) I hope I get accepted though. :[
Finally na Regular na ko sa block ko ngayon, ganto pala feeling ng punong puno ang sched. HAHA
At some point nakakaumay na. Pero gusto ko talaga adprac. Somehow ung “The Gold Standard” is being raised. Pati tuloy ako napa interactive. Mejo chinagaan ko ng onti ung plate kong yun. Hopefully maging okay naman grade ko dun.
Sometimes nagiging OC ako and sobrang nagmamadali sa school stuffs. Mahirap kasi matambakan like now :(
Anyway. Pagod na pagod ako mentally. :)))
BTW, nagkaron ako ng matinding stiff neck nung June 28. IT WAS HORRIBLE. 1st ko maganon. nakakaiyak ung sakit :’( Kinabukasan mejo nkakatingin n ko sa right pero need irotate pati katawan. Tas yun. Nung July 3 lang ata gumaling ng tuluyan kasi minsan pag nabebend masakit e. Bat ko ba nakwento yun ngayon. Ahhh. Nabasa ko kasi sa net na pwede maging cause nun is stress? LOL
Stressed nanaman ako sobra. Hindi ko maintindihan bakit parang ako lang yung sobrang ganto. Iba kong blockmates nagagawa pang manuod ng anime, pumunta sa concerts, etc etc. Tapos ako nagiging ganto. -.-
Hirap. Sa sobrang wala ko sa mood dahil sa schoolworks na to, pati emotions ko unstable na. A part of me says na “You don’t have to worry. You don’t have to be sad. You survived most of your life doing things on your own. Why think about now? You can do it. You are your only friend.” and another half says, “You are just tired. You are just stressed. You don’t have to over react about every single thing that does not go the way you want it.”